From Breaking Transfer Records To Breaking Jaws

From breaking transfer records to breaking jaws, Oscar was issued an unbelievable 8 match ban for ‘inciting’ a brawl. Looking more like the latest Marvel blockbuster superhero movie than a Chinese Super League showdown, the clash came about just after Oscar had teamed up with fellow footie Avenger the Incredible Hulk to create a controversial equaliser.

In an official statement from the Super League they stated that the reputation of the league had fallen into disrepute. I for one concur, prior to first hearing about the Chinese Super League just now, I had previously held it in the same regard as the Extraordinary League of Champions, and the Major League Justice League of America.

Here’s hoping that once the ban has lifted, Oscar and The Hulk can go back to smashing the ball into the back of the net, instead of the back of another players head. Regardless you can’t help but agree with the Manager on this one, clearly the players were just being ‘passionate’. Which of course is a valid excuse for behaving like a prat.

You can follow Terry Tidbit on Twitter, @teltidbit. He Tweets mostly about Sportball and lager.

 

Transfer Time

The rumour mill is churning and the agents are being buttered up. It’s that time of year again ladies and gentleman. The transfer window is upon us, and through its frosted glass it’s time for us to look over the juiciest prospects, the far-fetched flights of fancy, and the big money buys.

It wouldn’t be right to start this piece without looking at the Ladchester United line up, and the unequivocal proof that the English Sportballing league is the toughest in the world. That’s right England Footballing Club’s greatest champion and all-time greatest goal scorer (we all remember that superb hat trick against Forgetabijan, and the crucial 40yd belter that beat Inconsequentistan), Waz Ronny struggled to make the starting XI for his club. If even such a titanous talent as that can’t make it in the Prem then what more can be said, than this is the greatest most toughest league on earth?

Sadly this could signal a move away from The Theatre of You’ve Got To Be Dreaming If You Think They’ll Survive Without His Highness Lord  Alex Squeakybum, and back to the club where it all began for Ronny. The Liverpool Blues have been tapped to take back the champ, so he can play out his days amongst loyalist Waz fans. Though let’s face it, if the Major League Sportball Association comes bearing cheques in the millions, his drive to play at the highest level will kick in and see him move to our cousins over the pond.

Meanwhile in the eternal gutter of unimportance that is every team outside the top 4, Wonchster City FC who struggled to stay afloat in one of the other leagues, is set to sign a replacement for their recently retired workhorse Anthony Other, with fresh faced rising star of the little leagues Jon Eric, who’ll be making his move from Northborough Minnows. The reported fee will be a new record sale for the Minnows of £6,000,000.99. In a statement from Wonchester Manager Phil Holder he said

“I think at the end of the day the price is justified, we could have bought Johnny Foreigner for 2 mil, Imran Grant for 1mil, and saved the rest for some desperate purchases in January. But at the end of the day, Jon Eric is a rising English Sportballing talent, so he’s worth it because he’s English.”

It’s hard to disagree with such logic.

Onto our friends in the continent, Das Munchen Kaisers are set to not spend that much money, instead investing in sensational youth facilities and promoting a strong Sportballing culture that produces a lot of home grown talent. We all remember 66, so we’ll see how this folly works out for them.

 

You can follow Terry Tidbit on Twitter, @teltidbit. He Tweets mostly about Sportball and lager.

 

The Special One: Dodging, Weaving, Tax Evading

The Christ Naldo rumour mill is at peak. There can be no further rumouring, speculation, vague analysis and or tweets. WRONG. Sources tell me that in a twist of fate the tax evasion stars have aligned, and they light a path in the night’s sky all the way from Madrid to Manchester.

Manager extraordinaire, known only as The Special One and the mastermind behind Ladchester United’s hugely successful 6th place finish last season, has in a genius move of solidarity with Naldo, also been accused of defrauding the Spanish government of tax money. Quite frankly the dedication by The Special One is nothing short of miraculous.

Look, everyone wants the 96 time winner of the Balloon Door on their team. Some will offer money, others will offer more money. But which other teams out there are willing to step in the same tax evading shoes? I bet none, no other teams, managers or players will be doing this.

Quite frankly this is proof in my mind that Naldo belongs back with Ladchester United. He was born and raised on the sacred grass there, then when he moved to the REAL Galacticos no Gimmicks FC in Madrid he met The Special One. Where they would forge a player/manager bond like no other. Now that bond has only been proven further. The connections are all there, the proof is unquestionable. Naldo will return to England, and it’s all thanks to The Special One,

You can follow Terry Tidbit on Twitter, @teltidbit. He Tweets mostly about Sportball and lager.

 

The Stadium of Tomorrow

It was announced that the Toesnumb Hotspuds new ginormo-stadium is the stadium of tomorrow. I remember fondly as a lad stood in the terraces of my local Sportball team on a Saturday aft, with nought but my sweaty lager fuelled comrades for warmth and comfort. The atmosphere back then when us utterly electric.

Now the electric is pumped through the seats. You heard it here first, no more standing about like a lazy left-back, your seats now have USB charging ports. Perfect for those moments where nothing happens for eighty nine minutes of the game. You can Snapchat, live Tweet, maybe even play Sportball Manager on the iPad?

And whilst you leave your Hamstring Galactico Edge to charge why not saunter down to the world’s longest stadium bar and get tanked up on Hopspuds IPA from the in-house micro-brewery. It’s the must have for next season’s Sportball fan. I’ll stick to Carling thank you very much.

But that’s a side show isn’t? Just the Pie and Pint of the modern era. What really matters though is what’s on the pitch, we all know that. Hence why the turf has more in common with a screen pitch from Michael Bay than it does your local goal posts for jumpers playing field. Three way transforming terra firma, so our cousins across the pond can play some hand egg and not ruin the hallowed grass of a Sportball turf with their bastardisation of God’s sport.

When all’s said and done though, and you’ve had your quinoa and goats cheese pasty at half time, it’s important to assess how this will impact the players and the punters watching. For £1000 quid a season ticket it seems entirely worth it, to get access to charging ports, heating, bespoke lager and edible food, it seems like the stadium of the future is the stadium today’s fan needs.

Speaking of bargains though, I’ve got to share this with you. Me and the Missus just got a new 70 Inch HD Curved Flat Screen Immersive TV on sale for £700 quid and renewed the sports TV package for just £25 per month, for access to all the best games and punditry. So  now I can have the lads round and watch in the comfort of my front room. Pretty tidy!

 

 

Tel’s 2 pence on tax evasion

Christ Naldo, 76 time winner of the Balloon Door, and second only to Leo Messiah, is as we know near impossible to stop on the pitch. When his genius feet make contact with that hallowed ball he becomes enlightened. Dodging, weaving, evading, and ultimately defrauding the opposition of their fair share of the possession.

It’s a talent, plain and simple. But not one to be out done by the Messiah over at arch rivals the Real Barcelonads, Christ Naldo is apparently applying these talents off the pitch. Much like Messiah, Naldo has been attached to a string of tax evasion claims. But actually the potential legal ramifications of allegedly cheating the sovereign government of Spain (sly wink to the camera intact) aren’t important.

What is though, as one of my close sources tells me, is that Naldo is furious about the whole situation and wants to flee the country. That’s right ladies and gentleman, my source tells me that Ladchster United, where it all began for Naldo have been watching with a keen eye.  So before you know it Naldo could be flik flacking his way to England, to bring his unique brand of evasive manoeuvres back to the homeland of football.

Everyone’s a winner.